it's alright if you turn your back on me

tonight

2010-05-23T19:00:00.001+08:00

I think my GPA is gonna plunge this semester.

Projects, presentations, projects, presentations ^n
Massive hate for them

Have been sleeping in class for the majority as well...
Ugh I need to start sleeping early again

FML

real emotion

2010-04-30T18:36:00.002+08:00

You probably don't know this, boy.

No matter what you do always affects me so. As if you're the Earth, and I'm the Moon revolving around you. I'm always there, but shrouded in darkness.

When you're upset, I feel miserable.

When you're happy, I'm estatic.

Boy, am I pathetic around you.

the old man is snoring

2009-04-28T13:37:00.003+08:00

Ah, it's raining. Not that I know of course, I was sleeping.

Sense of melancholy and nostalgia fills me.

I wonder, what is it that I should do.

Thunder o' thunder, where are you?
I wish you were here, so I won't hear myself thinking.

I don't know what I'm thinking exactly, though.
This sickness is a disease to my mind.

Like a child yearning for solace,
I wonder what is it you're yearning for.

Eluding you.

2009-04-01T22:34:00.002+08:00

I dance, dance, dance until I'm able to sleep. These unrelenting tears…

Every time I close my heart off when there's nothing left, when it feels like I'll wither away…

In my emaciated dreams, I sing “one more time”. God, even sadness…

If you will answer that this is you, yourself, then I don't mind getting hurt.

without a trace

2009-03-29T18:43:00.001+08:00

I peel off my frail consciousness
Slowly so my footsteps making a sound
I become ash, scattering into little pieces.
It's only this, nothing more...
Without a trace

The feeling that I'm aware of my ignorance
is more cowardice than helplessness.
Crawling into the bottom of my mixed consciousness,
I ask my subconsciousness...
I cannot see the lotus right before my eyes.

Burying your breath in the still season,
You, who waited for help, got wet.
The withered song you cannot hear anymore
Has no exceptions; I'm crying.

The tears I shed for my loss
Will also flow when you are pulled down by sadness.
So that I don't have to watch someone else die without help,
I close my eyelids

My body that's entwined within the spiral
is slowly, slowly twisting.
In my throat, there are thousands of questions I want to ask;
For me, what can I save?
The lotus is dying right before my eyes.

Burying your breath in the still season,
You, who waited for help, got wet.
The withered song you cannot hear anymore
Has no exceptions; I'm crying.

Like a dense fog clearing up,
Like a proof of existence that won't disappear,
If this song reaches you,
You'll probably think it's hypocrisy

Burying your breath in the still season,
You, who waited for help, got wet.
Like my raised voice you can no longer hear,
I know my sins can't be restored.

2009-03-27T22:56:00.006+08:00

Oh, but I understand that very well, though it's not over birthdays. Haha. I'm trying so hard to refrain myself from scoffing. How old are you again?

You know what really hurts? Knowing that we are so different, yet we are almost twins emotionally. Huh, really. I AM used to people forgetting me out of the blue. Don't you forget this fact. Routine or not, are you going to feel insignificant everytime someone suddenly stops a comforting routine? Hm? Are you? Even if the people you are close with forgotten to wish you a Happy Birthday, your mother remembered. Is that not enough? Hell, I would be beside myself with joy that's IF my mother even remembers my birthday. If you are not, I guess your mother's well wishes isn't as important as others huh.

No, you are not selfish in wanting a listening ear. But it comes down to this, have you ever asked them if they had the time to listen to your problems before? Instead of the 'I need someone to talk to. Now. Anyone. But I won't open my mouth. I'll just see if they know I'm sad', have you tried 'I need someone to talk to, maybe I should ask if anyone is free'? Out of the times we've spent, most of it was me initiating a talk. The few times you've initiated it, I was occupied with my work. And once I've denied you, you didn't start any conversations with me. Probably trying to numb your pain somewhere else? If you had asked in a more convenient time, would I have rejected you? You know that I won't. If you don't ask for someone and come straight to the point, how else are they going to figure out what is wrong with you?

I called you selfish because whenever you face a failure, an obstacle, your first response is, I want to die. Is that not seflish, you tell me. You called me selfish for not wanting to shed a tear for you, yet if you die, do you know the amount of guilt, sadness and pain that it will bring upon my person for my. entire. life. I can tell you it's immense. Not only that, you'll only be bringing sorrow upon your family. Your mother wouldn't even know why her son decided to do as such. Your mother would live with the fact that she lost a son. And don't you dare assume that your family wouldn't be that affected by your death. Which you did. And for that itself, is that not selfish?

Your entire problem lies with you. When will you stop assuming, when will you start to at least make or force yourself to accept YOU. Self-pity led to Self-hatred led to Insecurity led to Paranoia led to Distrust.

Open your mind.

Why trap yourself?

I don't want to hate you. I DON'T hate you.

I find it a bother why you never, never thought of the severity of the situation your death will bring. I can not believe you make light of it.

That is what disgusts me.

I am not saying whatever assessment I made of you is entirely right. I myself have insecurities as well, more than you know. But why let them affect friendships? Why let them affect your life?

Why let failure decide your death?

There will be plenty of things left to regret. What you do not know now, but there will.

*sigh* Whatever. I won't waste my tears on you.

make everyone else suffer along with you

2009-03-26T10:45:00.010+08:00

This blog post is filled with anger and.. I don't know what other emotions. It's specifically for you, Neo.

1. "Look how pathetic are you, nobody remembers your birthday, look how unimportant you are to them. You don't even stand any where in their heart for them to remember your birthday. My insignificant existence makes me feel like ditching this world and go on to the 'Other world'."

2. "Always be by your side/ listening ear are just pack of lies.
I'm afraid that love will turn into hate, if I love and care too much about the people around me. There is no one that cares for me."

3. "I want to be loved just like any other people... I want someone to be by my side when I'm lonely and I want a shoulder to lean on when I feel like crying. Is there really no one that cares for me in these world? I'm an unwanted object."

Seriously. What the hell is this? I remembered wishing you a Happy Birthday, albeit while you were offline or appearing offline, on 19 March 4pm-ish. So what's this crap about me forgetting your birthday? Okay, fine. Maybe you didn't receive it because my message failed to send through. But "Look at how unimportant you are to them. You don't even stand any where in their heart for them to remember your birthday"? Excuse me. I'd like to inform you that I actually made it a point to remember your birthday 'cause I was afraid I'd forget it like I do for almost everyone else.

I may have stopped talking to you for these past weeks, but that doesn't mean I forgot about you and your entire existence. God knows I think of you every night before I sleep. Thinking whether or not to talk to you and risk raising my blood pressure, whether or not to sweeten my words so you won't feel so depressed, whether or not to give up on you. 'Cause I am seriously, seriously pissed off at your entire behaviour. not at you, but at your behaviour.

Grow up, Neo. Forgetting your birthday means people forgot about you entirely? Then I guess people forgot about me for the past 16 years of my life 'cause I don't remember anybody wishing me a Happy Birthday or celebrating my birthday until the recent years. Is that it? Huh? If that were so, I guess I should kill myself too. "Don't stand anywhere in their hearts?" I don't know if I can even say this. You've become such a huge influence in my life and my heart that it almost becomes unbearable 'cause everytime I'm close to forsaking you and your entire shitload of bull, I end up just distancing myself from you so I can gain some semblance of control and fuel to push through whatever load of emotion you throw at me. And why do I even do this when I don't do this for others?! I could care less about other people. You know the person I am. I hate clingy emotions. I hate dealing with people like you. So why do I even bother with you?

Reason: You are an important friend to me! But I won't deny it. You are slowly becoming more of a pest than a friend.

People have a thing we call (what's the word) life. You honestly can't expect us to be at your beck and call just because you need a listening ear. And the way you are, do you think I can go through your torrent of emotions before I snap without a break from you? Seriously, stop being so selfish. I am here for you, but I can't always be there. Are you going to think that I've forgotten you when I can hardly talk to you anymore if I leave for Canada? There will be a time zone difference and we will hardly be able to talk online anymore. I know I've told you once. I remember everyone who's been in my life once even though I let them go, friend or not. And don't go blaming on your insecurity. To me, you're just a kid who wants to cling onto anything and everything you can get your grubby hands on. Think Neo, maybe it's time to grow a backbone and start learning to be independent? If you're going to stay the way you are in the years to come, I know I'd be at your funeral sooner or later. You are almost reaching adulthood. It's time to plan out your future.

AND DON'T START SAYING YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FUTURE AT ALL, YADDA.

That's only because you refuse to overcome your failures and face reality. Reality and life are two harsh and unrelenting forces. And if you can't gain the will to overcome them, there really is no point for me to say anything to you anymore. Really.

Pack of lies. Huh, I can't believe you actually said this. Well you know what. Fuck you too.

Love and care will turn to dislike. Dislike will turn into intense detest. Detest will turn into hate. Cause this is what I feel for you. I cared too much, but you refused to care and understand. You doubted my emotions. At the end of it, everything will eventually be your own doing. Do you really want it to be, Neo? You doubt everyone's feeling for you. I don't really know and can't vouch for your other friends. What I do know is that the more you are going to doubt me and my feelings, the more i'll end up detesting you, you insufferable, ungrateful, self-pitying fool.

You want to feel love? Well tell me this Neo, how do you feel love when you subconsciously push and doubt all feelings people have for you, huh. Unwanted? YOU ARE UNWANTED BECAUSE OF YOUR REPEATED AND ENDLESS ASSAULT OF SELF-PITYING AND SELF-HATING EMOTIONS.

You want to die because of your friends' negligence of your existence? By posting that feeling online, are you trying to peg me with guilt? Really, maybe I'd ask your mother to put this on your death certificate. Reason of death: Suicide due to loneliness which was inevitably caused by paranoia and doubt of friends' true intentions and feelings. You want to die? FINE. Call me heartless if you want. But I'm going to tell you this only once. I am not heartless. I refuse to shed tears for someone who doubts me whenever there's a lack of communication. I refuse to show sympathy for someone who gives up on himself so easily. I refuse to show sadness for someone who won't see his own mistakes and blame others for it.

You can say you're not doing anything I said you did, you can argue. But no one can see their flaws until pointed out by an outsider.

So what's your verdict? If you want to be hated that much, please do continue what you're doing. I can only take so much before I classify you as "the rest" in my life.

The most pathetic thing to do is to hold a grudge, and make everyone else suffer along with you. I think you don't even know that you hold a grudge. If you do, you know what it is.

rakuen

2009-03-19T21:39:00.004+08:00

School ended. For now. I'm not enjoying my holidays, 'cause I hate to work.

My feelings and thoughts are in a dreadful mess. And right now, I don't see any means of escape from this endless plunge.

What fucking crap is this.

Where the fuck is my paradise.

2009-03-05T18:07:00.006+08:00

Duuuuude, my schedule is so tight now, but yet I'm procrastinating. I have to touch up on my BS project, think of the content to write on the cue cards, and I've yet to touch on my CE project! Gosh, what do I do with me?

Holiday's in a weeks' time. It's actually... kind of sad. I wasn't expecting to get attached to the class, seeing how I've always been alone and suck at socializing. I didn't think I'd make some buddies in the class either. Dundundundun.

This sense of attachment is a stranger to me.

Ten weeks used to seem dreadfully long...
But now, it just ain't.

望まれヌBaby

2009-03-01T20:49:00.020+08:00

~~I ain't bothered to type a proper post, nor am I bothered to edit the CSS any further than this. I shall continue so next time.. (; >_>)~~

Okay anyhoos, I finally edited the CSS to completion. Gawd knows it took long enough. I hate coding.

I had my Business Math test today. Kinda pissed at my results 'cuz the mistakes I made were due to carelessness. Blah. 16/20. Not too shabby I guess. At least I passed. I was released from school 2 hours early, too. Not bothered to go into details though.

Another week, after 2 project presentations,
and I'll say HELLO to my holidays.

Something totally random...
I love パパママ望まれヌ Baby! 雅、万歳！

My blog is open to public view for the moment.. Haha!

boring boring

2009-02-16T11:18:00.002+08:00

Hello my darling CzechoSlovakians. I'm blogging in school. *gasp* I'm not being unattentive in class, alright. The teacher ain't teaching anything nows. *shrugs* Might as well do my things. School ends at 5pm today.. Have to endure another monotonous 6 hours.. AHHH! I hope we can get released early.

Hmm, I have nothing to blog now, really. So I guess I'll just type random things that appear in my mind. There's a couple of main issues on my mind right now, but I can't seem to sort them out. One of which regarding my friend, another of which regarding my future.. Not that I should be worrying for my future yet, I think.

(Random: I hate my school's keyboard.)

Friendships are really hard to maintain, that's what I've learnt in the 17 years' I've lived.

i got tagged!

2009-02-10T21:22:00.004+08:00

On facebook.. But I'll post it here.

Rules: It's harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag 20 people.Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name : Stacie.
2. A four Letter Word : Suck.
3. A boy's Name : Stan.
4. A girl's Name : Selene.
5. An occupation : Secretary.
6. A color : Scarlet.
7. Something you'll wear : Shoes.
9. A food : Sorbet!
10. Something found in the bathroom: Shit.
11. A Place: Sydney.
12. A reason for being late : Sleeping.
13. Something you'd shout : SON OF A BITCH!!
14. A movie title : Star Trek.
15. Something you drink : Starfruit juice.
16. A musical group : System of a Down.
17. An animal : Squirrel.
18. A street name : Sesame Street!
19. A type of car : Subaru.
20. The title of a song : Somewhere I Belong.

For some odd reasons, Question 8 is missing.

hello czechoslovakians!

2009-02-02T17:47:00.002+08:00

Hello, fellow Earthlings! .. And CzechoSlovakians (You won't get it unless you've watched Roswell)! I finally updated! It's such a huuuuuge effort to blog I tell you. I've had nothing to blog about anyway. So! This post shall make up for all the days I spent playing Neopets and DotA and not blogging. *insert spontaneous gasps* NEOPETS! I KNOW! Ugh, I don't even want to talk about WHY I'm even playing Neopets.

So, now in the midst of blogging, I am waiting for Tyrannian Petpet, Meridell Petpet and Magic Shop to restock. Prolly missed a couple o' restocks now since I'm typing this post... HAHA!

ANYWAY! School's been rather okay, still. I'm keeping up my longest attendance record since 3 years. So give me a pat on the back alright? Also I've realised, school's like another church thing for me. IT'S CHANGING MY PERSONALITY. WTF?! Or maybe that's me changing on my own accord, I don't know. But seriously. I'm talking more. I'm laughing more. What the hell. It's not really a bad thing right? But geeeee. HELLO! I'M BEING BRAINWASHED! Another thing is, I'VE BEEN GETTING STRAIGHT 15/20's for my progress tests! C'mon! Give me a new digit please! Be it a lower or higher score, anything's fine! JUST NOT A 15 ANYMORE! It's slowly becoming my new number on the hatelist (not there is one, even). Ah, whatever. I hate school. So no more talking about school.

OH MY GOD! I JUST MISSED ANOTHER RESTOCK! .... *cricket chirps* .... I'm spazzing over Neopets. *crows flying overhead* .... Ah.

it gets easier

2009-01-28T20:43:00.003+08:00

You'll make it up, you'll tell a lie.
Pretend you're real, go on and try.
Praise yourself. It's all ok, it gets easier, it gets easier.
So take your pills (SO TAKE YOUR PILLS), blur your life.
Forget you were ever there, to enjoy the ride.
And bite your lip (AND BITE YOUR LIP), swallow your pride.
How long has it been for you, since you felt alive?

To wave, goodbye.
To wave, goodbye.

The pavement; it dulls your senses.
And visions of red and white, of solid steel,
And flashing lights.
So close your eyes, and lose this fight.

outcasts. i used to be one, and i still am.

oh my egad

2009-01-25T12:25:00.002+08:00

I'm playing Neopets. *spazz*

Cough. Okay. Back to the topic... Not that there is any topic to begin with.. I made it through January! Without skipping school! Hoorah for me. That is excluding the 2 days of orientation which I just refused to go through. Now to make it through Febuary, then March.. And to December? Whatever.

I finally made a few friends. Guess I'm not that socially retarded as I thought. School's so-so. Everything's so-so. Except for this one teacher who really can't teach. I shan't say anything more than that.

CNY's tomorrow. I'm dreading it.

Can you tell I absolutely LOVE festive occations? Ugh.

distress & coma

2009-01-20T22:02:00.001+08:00

ガゼットのニューシングル!!!!
25.03.09!

i'm thinking, thinking, thinking

2009-01-20T08:18:00.000+08:00

Should I go to school today?

omg i wore a skirt

2009-01-19T16:49:00.006+08:00

I should be nominated the most obedient person in the world. Why? Because Helmi told me to make this post, and I did. But of course I shan't type anything else besides "OMG I wore a skirt to school today".

My blog has no privacy anymore. So there will be no more emotional posts, sorry Jun Kiat. And my blog is not boring, it's just too wordy. Whatever, they mean the same anyway. Lol.

Hm, I have nothing to say anymore...

OH, the school pants looks stupid. It's too bellowy around the butt area.

I should make a wordpress blog and embed it to my domain. Since they allow password protected posts.. Hm, worth thinking.

can't you hear my voice

2009-01-14T19:45:00.002+08:00

I don't want to try anymore. Either plunge down to hell on your own, or hang onto the rope that's been let down for you.

Yours truly can no longer be bothered to make an effort to socialize anymore. Neither will she bother to care for anyone anymore.

Jun Kiat, I'm too tired. You're a tiring friend to support. You're a despicable person for making me waste my time and effort on you. Not only mine, remember your aunts and mother. I still don't get it, you can try to encourage me, you can try to show you're pulling through with your promise; but you're already so close to giving up, so close to being despondent. That's why, I'm going to stop trying. I will stop until you've decided to help yourself and not give up. Given your current state of mind, I have a feeling that you'll break sooner or later. So until the time when you're confident that you will not break and give in to helplessness, I will not be your emotional support. No more. Not when I, myself, is prone to breaking too.

どうして？こんな気持が。。。

2009-01-10T18:11:00.004+08:00

僕の頭がぐんぐん出る、
この感想が、
停止していないようです。

GAH! I don't feel like going to school anymore.
It's probably just a passing phase. Probably.

Who knew the government library had such a ~~shitty~~wonderful helpdesk? Buncha tards don't even bother replying to emails, so what for they put an email address under their Contact Info section. Buncha tards. BLAH! Whatever. Since they won't bother replying, this person here shan't bother paying her library fines either. An impressive sum of SGD$175.63. Psh. Two thirds of the fine comes from the books which I actually did return anyway. Boomaswaggle.

So I realised, I never blogged about my new school.
(Not that any people wants to know anyway.)

I did go on the first day of school. Surprise -not really. I always do attend the first day of school, I think. Anyway, the class is nice. Friendly people, comical people, the typical kind of people you see everyday in school. Asides from the fact that one of them actually has his own business. Then we had to introduce ourselves... Which was, imo, *insert your own adjectives* to the extend of... *insert non-existent word*. Then we went for the campus tour (humid as heck), followed by our break and lastly we went back to our class to prepare a class cheer and t-shirt for day 2 and 3.

Which I didn't go for.

Why? Because I'm a social retard and I don't know how to mingle with people and I hate talking (No, really. I only like to type. Stupid much?) and I hate cheering and I don't know what else to whine about. Other than the fact that I am a social retard now, and probably will be a social retard for the rest of my won~~fucking~~derful life. *throws confetti*

I did, however, attend day 4 and 5. Which was a typical day (as it always is). Met with the section head, went out to McDonald's for lunch, bailed out on an outing, then
Home Sweet Home.

Hm, sounds like fun. Amirite? :)

before the clock strikes twelve

2009-01-09T08:01:00.008+08:00

伸ばす手を掴みきれず
想いが散り混ざり合うの

Hello, my fellow CzechoSlovakians!!
I ripped it off from Roswell

I'm blogging before heading off to school. ~~Still contemplating whether or not should I go to town with the class. ('Cause I'd probably be the third wheel like I always am)~~ I ended up not going. Too bad, I chickened out.

Ah, whatever. Ciao.

EDITEDITEDIT
A bird just slammed itself against my window while I was typing this edit. Silly thing.

On MSNBC news..

"Gotti neighbor allegedly dissolved in acid."

I want to dissolve someone in acid, too. Preferbly those I have on my hitlist. *mourns*

lets give this another try

2009-01-08T22:38:00.001+08:00

Cause at the end of the day,
I'll be the only one remaining.

I've deleted all my posts of year 2008. Whee.

I'll probably make my own blogskin when I'm bothered. Definitely not anytime soon; screw it. I'm too lazy to link all of you (my very limited links anyhoos) again. So there's not gonna be any goddamned LINKS section. Neither will there be an ARCHIVES (how.fing-ever you spell it) section 'cause I don't even have any previous posts left. And lastly, I'm not gonna install a freaking tagboard because it's too goddamned awesome for me. Poor lil dandy ol' me is too stupid to use it.

Joy.

Anyhoos, new year. Great. Not that it makes any difference. The world's still degenerating, people's still dying, government's still crappy, same ol' same ol'. When will a new year actually be a NEW year? Don't know, since I won't live to find out. Probably. Boohoo.

Seriously, I just found out I have a library fine of SGD$175. However did I manage to accumulate that? *rolls eyes* Two books of which I did actually manage to return was listed as LOST ITEMS. Like.. WTF! I'm gonna ~~fucking~~ oops, -fing kill someone. Really. Damned library system whatsoever.

SO! Fuck this world! Haha. No, seriously.